Last week, a dear friend and housemate of mine said: “I’ve been asking everyone this lately, so… on a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you think you know me?”
I had just gotten into my car and ended up sitting in the driver’s seat for quite a while without putting my key in the ignition. The question hadn’t quite caught me off guard but had nabbed my attention in the best way possible. How well did I know them? And what does knowing someone really mean? We went back and forth on different factors that went through our minds when considering how well we know someone, and upon posing the question to others I ended up with some amazing conversations and lots of factors that matter differently to different people.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you know the person you’re thinking about as you read this sentence? These are some things one might consider that remain in my memory several days later:
How do we define 1 and 10—especially 10? My friend initially said “10 would be like you’re inside the other person’s head, experiencing their experience” and I thought that was pretty solid. At the same time, I’d argue that I’m on a perpetual quest to get to know myself better. Is it possible that someone could know me better than I know myself? Where would that land on the scale? Would that mean I only know myself at an 8 out of 10?
Getting from a 2 to a 4 is likely easier than moving from a 6 to an 8. On a 1-10 scale, each number seemingly has an equal distance between itself and the next one but I think that might not be the case here. We’re still going to keep the 1-10 though because.. it’s easy!
The time in their life in which you got to know someone definitely factors in. Did you grow up together? How does that affect your level of knowing as you both get older and might not see as much of each other? Did you get to know someone really well in the span of a perhaps just a few months that you shared together (perhaps thanks to an experience abroad), or has it been a slow burn, gaining familiarity over a number of years?
On that note—what version of the person do you know best? Do you know them as a caretaker, a lover, a teammate, a parent, a sibling? I’d like to say I know my parents pretty well but I’m always learning new stuff about them as I get older and I’m less worried about whether they’ll be on time to pick me up from basketball practice or not. Our level of knowing has changed over time, but the way in which we know each other has changed, too.
How much weight does knowing factual information, story content, and life events about someone get versus knowing their essence—just knowing who they are, in this moment, right now? You could know everything there is to know about someone, but how familiar would they feel if you were next to them right now? Do you know them or do you know about them? A combination?
Related: How does getting to know someone through the stories they tell you compare to making memories with that person? If you made lots of memories together, what kind were they? Does going through a lot of adversity with someone result in higher knowingness? How about living with someone? You may never have lived with the person you consider your best friend but you might learn a lot about them if you lived together? Then again, how much will knowing that they like to empty the dishwasher instead of load it move up your knowingness on the 1-10 scale?
If I were to ask you this 1-10 question, and you gave a 4, it could be that you simply don’t know me that well OR that I, myself, may be uncomfortable being vulnerable and am not into the whole sharing thing. Just because you don’t know someone well doesn’t make it your “fault” (fault isn’t a great word to use there).
BUT… what if knowing that someone doesn’t like opening up is part of knowing them well? What if you know the current version of them as well as you can know it because they are keeping a lot inside or figuring out the best way to share it with the world and those around them? Could you not know a lot about someone and still be at a 6 or 7? It’s hard to judge from the perspective of the number-giver, but something to consider nonetheless.
What else needs to be considered? A fun question to say the least and lots of potential for a perspective-shifting conversation. I’m sure the 1-10 scale can be used for just about a bajillion things and I’m a sucker for thought exercises as it is. Happy weekend and go tigers.